Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Soap Box

Ever get those emails that tell you to forward it to your 10 best friends, to show them how much you love them? What about the ones that say you will pass this on only if you believe in God, and really care about social justice? My favorite are the legislative updates warning us of impending capitalistic greed, the ones sharing how the US Postal service is currently working on a bill to charge people for their email use - because the government of the United States has nothing better to do with its time. And let's not even go into why it is impossible for Victoria's Secret to track your forwarded email so they can send you that free gift card.

Now, I agree there are some funny jokes going around from time to time (even though by the time you send it to me I guarantee I heard it 4 times before). And it can be hard to pass up that really great awareness email about breast cancer (yes, clicking on the button on their website does help fund mammograms for impoverished women, but it does not fund an entire procedure with every click). So let me clear up a few things about those forwarded emails...


It is really simple. Why do people think we enjoy taking 30 minutes of our time opening 19 other forwarded emails within that email to finally get to the actual text? And I won't even mention the scrolling, and unintelligent babble from 2000 other people forwarding the email, creating a piece of artwork with the <<<< and broken sentences I must decipher. Can I also say...


I would imagine you are not a big fan of learning your phone number has been scrawled on the bathroom wall at the local bowling alley. Yea, I feel the same way. I have received so many random emails from people I don't even know because they just added names to their address book off some forwarded email that had my email in it. Nice.

I tell you all of this because my life has been altered by my emails. You see...

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about cyanide in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Laima Veski) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I can no longer buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use plastic in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks to whoever told me how I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to my email, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my toosh.

And, thanks to my email's great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

So you see my concern for you? I just don't want you to end up like me. And if this was difficult to understand then...

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