Sunday, December 09, 2007

Instructions For Use

Please read the following instructions tag attached to my Boppy brand nursing pillow.

Okay, so let's walk this through...

1 - Read before each use. Um, right. First of all the tag is attached to the pillow which is housed in a Boppy designed cover. So to even GET to the tag you would need to remove the cover every single time. It doesn't take a genius to realize the absurdity of going through the process of reading the tag when your newborn is screaming for food. What do they think we will do? "Wait a minute Jr. Mama knows you are hungry, but I haven't read the tag in the last 3 hours so I don't remember what I am not supposed to do."

2 - Do not allow baby to lie face down or fall asleep on this or any other pillow. This seems fairly self-explanatory except that one of the larger advertised uses for the pillow is giving your infant safe support for "tummy time." Yea. That's where your child lies face down across the pillow to help build trunk and neck muscles. So how exactly does one accomplish that dichotomy? And falling asleep with the pillow is another good piece of advice. I should put baby to sleep in his cradle. Of course I am not allowed to ever leave baby unattended in his cradle, but that is another tag.

3 - Do not use in bed or crib. Now here I think they may actually have a valid point. Large pillows, stuffed animals, fluffy comforters can create suffocation risks. I assume they mean the child's bed. They certainly mean the child's crib since, last time I read the tag, my bed is not a crib. But then the last line causes me to reevaluate even this piece of noble advice.

4 - Only use on floor. Okay, after all the above ridiculousness you mean to tell me that I have to sit on my FLOOR every time I want to nurse my baby? Yep, that's what it means. If you look at their website all the mamas pictured are sitting, cross-legged, on the ground. Hmmmm, sounds comfy don't it? Just think, you had a baby last week, your bottom is a little tender... or better yet you had a cesarean and can't even lower yourself into a sitting-on-the-floor position without the aid of a crane and narcotics, yet here this charming little tag (which you must read before every use) sufficiently removes any ounce of comfort you may experience from the use of the product by its own instructions.

It would be great if the child himself came with such detailed instructions for use!

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