The Sticks

I went to the doctor this morning for a regular checkup. He asked whether or not I was staying local for the foreseeable future. It was obviously a routine question. And I have answered it routinely so many times. But it was different this morning.

Um, no, actually. I'm moving in about a year.

Oh! Well, what takes you out of town? Is the job relocating you or is it a new job.

Neither. We are simply moving for an adventure. 

Really? Where are you moving?

Idaho.

Huh. (long pause) Are you going to homeschool?

Um,(?) actually I already do.

Ah, well that makes sense! You really want to experience a more rural lifestyle.

I could barely contain myself until the end of the appointment. Apparently all of Idaho is just one ginormous wild place. Unsettled and fierce, only the pioneering take their chances in its unsettled terrain. It's a good thing we already homeschool, because it will be nigh on impossible to expect any kind of civilized resources.

For the record:

Idaho Falls (the forerunner in claiming our citizenship) has a population of nearly 60,000 people with a population gain of over 12% between 2000 and 2011. My current home boasts less than 20k, and had a 21% population decline during that same time.

There are approximately 82 restaurants of distinct character in Idaho Falls. We have 42 in our town, but that includes Denny's and Subway.

A very cursory search for medical specialists reveals an easy handful of every type of doctor we currently use. Right now I have to drive at least 20 minutes to visit anyone besides my dentist and optometrist. This isn't necessarily because I prefer physicians from other towns. In most cases I have no choice because we have very few medical professionals.

But to be sure... not everything is bigger there. For instance, as of March 2012 the cost of living index (where the average US city is 100) was 105.2 in Marina. It was 88.2 in Idaho Falls.

Yep, we're moving to the sticks.

Perils of a Large Family

Things you only hear from kids who are raised in a big family (and always using British accents):

Mary: Her name is Chrissiana. Her name is Giselle. Her name is Merida. We have so many children!

Leah: How many do you have?

Mary: 26.

Leah: Maybe you should get rid of some. You should drop some off at the orphanage because we only have one. Are you going to have more?

Mary: Oh yes.

Leah: Has your uterus ruptured yet?

Mary: No, not yet.

Leah: Then you can give me your next baby since you are going to have another one.

Mary: Okay. But only one, because I love them so much.

Leah: Oh, of course. I wouldn't have asked you for one of your children if I didn't think you loved them.

Mary: Alright. I'm so glad you asked. Now I need to go because I have so many children to fix dinner for.

Leah and Mary with an orphan-cum-sister, Phoebe

Jesus First

One might say that Phoebe has "come into her own." This little exchange occurred the other night while Bethany put lotion on Phoebe after her shower.


Phoebe, please stand up.

Hmm, I'm going to need to ask Jesus first.

Phoebe takes her spiritual fervor seriously.

Charisma For Hire

charisma: \kǝ-’riz-mǝ\ n. 1. a special magnetic charm or appeal magically arousing enthusiasm for a person 2. Caleb

A taste of several gifts given to Caleb by complete strangers.

Our son regularly returns home from an afternoon in our neighborhood laden with gifts. And not just small trinkets and throw away junk. Everything from a 4-person inflatable raft freshly out of its package to a metal lock box have found their way into our home. Why? Because Caleb has a level of charisma not often seen in someone outside of the White House. He gets paid $10 to wash a car that wasn't really dirty and whose owner wasn't really looking to get it clean in the first place. Then he gets offered $10 more from the same people to wash their Jeep - just because. The neighbor who drives every deal to its final penny during his garage sale offers to give Caleb whatever he would like. He mentions fishing and suddenly a fishing pole surfaces from someone's back room, in mint condition. Then freshly caught fish emerges from their freezer. He has sisters, so beautiful china dolls in full costumes are unwrapped and tucked into his arms. While chatting with several college students at church he is warmly invited to join them at the beach later that day. The list goes on...

Why?

In the beginning we were convinced he was begging off of people for their scraps. He must be telling our neighbors that his family is too poor to afford any toys. He must be blackmailing them, holding their mail hostage and extracting one gift for each registered letter containing the specifications of their rich uncle's final will and testament. There had to be an answer for the seemingly endless stream of goodies parading towards our address.

So we did what all sensible parents would do. We threatened. We doubted. We refused to take his word that these were gifts given from honest generosity. We sent Caleb out to return the gifts.

He came home with more.

We finally decided it was time to investigate this ourselves. It just so happened that one of the gifters stopped by that very afternoon. He was dropping off an entire golf caddy with accompanying clubs to finish outfitting our son after the putter he bestowed upon Caleb the week before. He apologized that it had taken him so long. He explained that the clubs were in the back of his storage unit and took some time to get. He handed over his only child's prized jr. golf set with a broad smile.

Was he sure? Absolutely.

He warmly explained how enjoyable it was to chat with Caleb in his driveway each weekend. He chuckled at the numerous schemes Caleb shared with him. He assured us that it was his pleasure to give the clubs to him.

Okay.

We thanked him for his kind words and chuckled under our breath. Obviously our son had a special gift to enchant and charm. His easy going personality and conversational prowess allowed him to fit into just about any situation. We finally accepted it.

Now we're working on an angle to make a profit off of him.

I'm A Mexican Drug Lord

I thought I was the only one until I found this meme expressing the ubiquitous truth under which all parents live:

Through trial and error here are my 6 fail-proof tactics for smuggling out all those little treasures:

1. Whenever possible avoid any inside trash can. Your safest bet is to dump last year's science project in the outside bin the morning of trash day and then take your family on a 4-day trek into the wilderness. When you return and the project is noticed missing you can honestly say you don't know where it is... after all, you really don't know exactly where in the landfill it currently resides.

2. If you must throw the painted macaroni picture frame with only 3 crusted pieces of pasta remaining on it into an inside trash can then make sure you have no less than 3 pounds of cooked spinach to cover it. NOTE: Do not use junk mail which can be salvaged by your 9 year old son for airplane models. Do not use old bill envelopes which effectively outfit your 6 year old's play office. Do not use catalogs from 9 months ago because your teen daughters are still "reading" them. They themselves will be rescued from the trash delivering the crushing blow to your children that their prized lima bean statuette hiding underneath is no longer treasured.

3. Never throw your kids' stuff away on the same day you are cleaning out your own closet. Your children are insanely adept at picking up the "throwing away garbage" vibe. They will become freakishly paranoid of your intentions towards their ripped 8th place ribbon from their game of pin-the-hydrant-on-the-blaze during the great Fire Department Safety Day of 2007.

4. Do not let one child catch you throwing away another child's stuff. They will rat you out faster than you can say, "grimy Chuck E. Cheese game token with dried gum on one side."

5. Either keep the hubster entirely in the dark or schedule Summit 2013 in order to clearly explain exactly what is being thrown away and why. There is nothing worse than having Daddy innocently ask you why Betty Sue's broken baby doll stroller is stuffed into the trunk of his car during dinner. And because of Murphy's Law this will be the one time your prearranged "we'll talk about it later" look will go entirely unnoticed.

6. Bribe 'em. If you can coerce them into throwing away their own junk then you have mastered parenthood! Going out for ice cream is my favorite because it doesn't involve replacing the trash with new junk. What good is a bribe if it is a net loss? Go for the consumables and you will have a win-win every time.

The Higher Calling

I love women's ministry. Everything about it just calls to me: the word of God; real fellowship and community with other imperfect women willing to be vulnerable; transparency and accountability to grow in my personal relationship with Jesus Christ; and the laughter that reaches beyond age or season to envelope everyone in the room. Yep, it is good.

I also have a particular connection to women's ministry because God has graciously allowed me to teach bible study in many different settings and churches over the past 19 years. Preparing, studying and planning are simply a part of my life - like breathing.

I assumed, like breathing, that it would always be this way.

Someday I'll stop making assumptions.

You probably picked up on this long before I did, but in between my passion for teaching women and changing diapers I somehow missed the amazing serendipity (I love that word - even though I don't believe in happenstance or mere chance) of birthing six daughters. Six little women! As my daughters came I pictured us enjoying deep, theological discussions together. I imagined them in bible study as adults, but somehow I completely skipped over adolescence. After all, that was why churches had youth ministry and not simply men's or women's ministry. The needs of jr. high and high school ages created such an altogether unique dynamic that it required an entirely different model of discipleship.

Or at least that's what I assumed. (See note above about what I need to do with my assumptions.)

Hannah (14) - Phoebe (3) - Me

My eldest daughter joined our church's official youth program a couple of years ago. At that time my husband began to serve as a leader in the youth group. Week after week I quizzed him on what was being discussed during the teaching time for Hannah's class. Week after week Christopher shared with me the gist of the topics and conversation until I began to see a pattern in my reaction. I loved that Hannah was getting a chance to hang out with her friends. I thought the games the youth played were often imaginative and developed great team spirit. I was glad she was being challenged to think on her own about concepts from the bible. But I also recognized a growing disappointment that the lessons often scratched only the surface of genuine Christian character and godly lifestyle choices. 

The group was mostly made up of other boys and girls from similar backgrounds. Many of them were churched meaning they, like Hannah, had grown up attending Sunday School and VBS and usually knew the "right" answers. They were also questioning, often for the first time, the concepts taught them through childhood and beginning to decide if the faith their parents ascribed to was going to be their own. This all seemed normal. And so did the awkward, embarrassed, sometimes confused ways the group interacted as the individual trajectory of puberty and personality began shaping each member into their own unique person. But the very same factors that made it "youth" ministry were also keeping it from being entirely successful in effective ministry.

How transparent can I expect my daughters to be in front of a bunch of kids who are struggling just to understand their own bodies, let alone their deeper purpose and unique calling in this world? Growing and maturing takes discipleship. Or at least it does if I want my girls to transition through adolescence  gracefully and without unnecessary heartache - which I do. So, mentoring becomes invaluable. I want my darling girls to learn about femininity from the heart of great women (and men) before they have it compared to the likes of Lady Gaga. I want them to engage in open conversations about difficult subjects with candor and respect before they learn all the street slang for what they should do if they really "love" that boy. And most importantly, I want them to understand what the bible says about the beauty and value of their womanhood before their peers define it for them. 

Youth ministry, alone, can not achieve these goals. Why? For the same reason elite athletes don't train with amateurs, and why virtuosos don't practice with beginners - we can not grow in maturity when consistently surrounded by people as immature as ourselves; and we do not learn to stand out by working hard to fit into the mold. One or two adults working to shepherd a roomful of rambunctious teenagers isn't a ratio built for success. 

Bottom Center & Clockwise:
Phoebe, Hannah, Mary, Leah, Bethany, Me, Evangeline

So, I'm quitting what I love in order to love what I'm called to - women's ministry. The ministry of making women... making godly, honorable women who are strong, capable thinkers in a world filled with relativity and subjectivity. By the grace of God I have the privilege of sharing my passion with six of the most amazing girls I have ever known.

Seasons

Our lives have an ebb and flow to them that seems to mimic the rhythms of the natural world. Life springs fresh and new, then deepens through the heat of experience and lessons until the maturity of years displays a splendor of wisdom in the autumn of our lives and finally quiet shadows gracefully fall upon a life well lived. We often see this transition quite clearly in the people surrounding us, but it can be a bit surprising to realize that it is occurring inside yourself, too.

I knew change was coming... someday.

Christopher and I have made no secret of our desire to embrace the gift of children in our marriage and actually pursue fertility. For 15 years our life has been marked by the swelling of my belly. Plans for travel set any further than 6 months into the future had to be held loosely because we never knew whether or not we would be expecting another child. I became an expert at shuffling hand-me-down clothes into bins for the next child - boy or girl. I own a moses basket, cradle, travel crib, pack-n-play, crib, and toddler bed with linens for both genders. There is a basket of infant toys in my living room that has never, ever been packed away. The convertible changing table/dresser has always had a changing pad on top of it and the crib that we were given upon the birth of our first daughter has never been taken apart for storage. A high chair has graced our table for 5252 days. I own a play set that rivals most small parks.

To say childrearing defines our lifestyle would be a gross understatement.

I reminded myself that someday it would change - especially when I wearied of Lego pieces scattered across my garage floor, and blow out diapers when I'm already late, and a thousand minutes of sleepless nights waiting for the baby to realize she is the only one enjoying that 3am tête-à-tête. I joked with my husband about what it would be like to actually know that you were never going to have any more children. What did that feel like?

Bittersweet.

I now know.

Evangeline's delivery held several complications for me - not the least of which was the discovery in the operating room that my uterine integrity was entirely compromised. Oddly, I wasn't surprised. For weeks I had the unexplainable need to discuss possible complication with my surgeon and husband. We traversed medical journals and studies to better understand probabilities associated with repeat cesarean births. I never before felt inclined to investigate these concerns to the degree I did with my last pregnancy. After all the data was collected and the specialists were consulted the questions continued to outpace the answers. There are literally two studies in the whole of medical history dealing with uterine integrity after 4 cesareans. Even these stopped their statistical projections at six cesareans. I was going into my seventh.

As Christopher and I drove to my last ob appointment the largest question facing us was whether or not we should pursue sterilization to secure my health. Added to this were the sharp pains I was experiencing that seemed all too familiar after suffering through micro-dehisence during Josiah's birth. My surgeon, her nurse practitioner/midwife, Christopher and I all worked through the final plan a week before my delivery date. We decided to forgo preemptive sterilization. We would wait and see how this delivery faired. And we prayed that God would simply make abundantly clear His design for our family.

He answered our prayers.

The pain I experienced was the significant dehiscence of my uterus producing a pocket large enough for the amniotic sack to begin protruding through the uterine wall. I carried Evangeline footling breach, but never before had a baby (and she wasn't my first footling breach) remained so high in her positioning. Our surgeon later recalled that had Evangeline been more engaged her foot could have neatly fit through the baseball sized hole in my uterus causing catastrophic results for us both. God knew how to safely carry us so that all the pieces would fit together. From our surgical staff and medical preparations to the physical circumstances surrounding the birth it all came together in a final moment of clarity for the new season we were entering. There would be no more babies.

We had peace.

And then reality hit.

My life has turned upside down in the past several months. I never before realized how defining my openness to fertility was until it was gone. As absurd as this may sound I honestly struggled with understanding my purpose. I saw many dark days where questions raised in fear rushed over me like floodwaters. Primary in my thinking was whether or not I was a good mom to eight people, or if I just had babies to avoid the real task of nurturing the children I already birthed? Yet in the gloom there was a flame that began to burn brighter and brighter still. While I believe I always loved my children to my fullest capacity something shifted in me when I knew I was done. A new outpouring in my heart of thankfulness and delight in each child God had given me welled up in my heart. I saw my family as complete. I didn't need to hold anything back in anticipation of another baby. I didn't need to live in limbo ever again. I had closure.

Now a new season begins for me. I am saying goodbye to all the pleasures and trials of infant parenting. There are things I think I may always miss: nursing; quietly snuggling a newborn who smells of heaven; tiny coos; and precious, miniature fingers and toes. There are also things I gladly give up: cesarean delivery and recovery; mastitis; bone-wearying fatigue; and the thousand trivial questions nagging you into believing that your choice of pacifier really does determine forever your value as a loving mom. You know... no pressure. Yes, there are good things that I glimpse and hang on to during the more difficult moments, because I believe with conviction that every season is marked by beauty. 

My joy is now discovering the beauty in this new season.

Novella

Leah came suddenly to me this afternoon and announced that she had written a book. She asked if she could read it to me.

Of course!

The Runaway Twins by Leah Randall

Once upon a time there lived two twins. They were brats. Their names were Lilya and Leah. As you know they are brats and are really bad especially. The bad things that they did: they stole people's lunch at school. That's the kinda bad thing that they did. It's crazy what they did do. Holy Cow! One day the brats' mother got mad. They ran away. The mother got worried. She had thought she had been too harsh. When the girls had run away she began to miss them very much. And so she began looking for them because she loved them very much. While the girls were gone they began to get hungry. Really hungry. Then they spotted a bakery. They had no money and they were really hungry. They decided to go home. When they got home they said to their mother, "We're sorry for what we did. Please forgive us. We will never do it again,"they said. "I forgive you. I hope you two do keep your promise." "We will!" The End.

non sequitur

Mama, did you give any of us kids away to an orphanage?

No, Josiah. I kept you all.

But are you going to adopt any of us?

I don't need to adopt you because you are already my son.

Oh! So I was already your son at the orphanage.

Open Letter To My Past

Dear Past,

I want to take this opportunity to apologize. I've changed. You haven't, which makes our relationship a little difficult from time to time. However, I'm beginning to realize that we can live agreeably with one another if we are both willing to accept a few truths about the other:

1. I promise to no longer deny you. It isn't fair to either of us. The truth is that I wouldn't exist today were it not for you. I'm bold enough to admit it and I'm sorry that I struggled at points to own it.

2. There really are three sides to our story: my recollection on good days, my remembrances on bad days, and the truth. I am going to choose to accept that you shift like a shadow through the course of the day and not hold too tightly to any one perspective.

3. You are tied to my emotions. I will never be able to look dispassionately upon your face. I am tired of trying. It is time to allow myself to feel the things you touch in me. Please forgive me for my many attempts at separating you from my soul.

4. I am done playing your guilt game. Yes, you have more baggage on me than Heathrow International Airport, but I'm no longer afraid of facing the mistakes and errors of what I did. In fact, I've learned that I sometimes need to look for ways to show people what's inside those suitcases just to prove to us both that you are not my only friend.

5. You may not define my future. Your existence does not entitle you to ownership in my destiny. You may come along for the ride, but I will be the one driving.

Some of this may seem rather harsh to you. Change is always a little difficult in the beginning. Please know how much I appreciate all that you do for me. I thank you for keeping a record of all the tender moments too beautiful to be spoken. Without you, they would be lost. I won't forget that. However, instead of only living in those brief moments of remembered bliss I'm ready to strike out on new adventures and experiences. I know how much this scares you. It scares me. I might get hurt, and you'll need to remember that, too. But I promise it will be worth it. Living with regret weighs us both down. Let's get rid of it together.

Love,
Me

Your Necessary MommyPrint

A group of gals gathered to honor a sweet sister in her final weeks of pregnancy last night. We had fellowship, good eats, and a great time of talking shop. I was humbled by the request to provide a devotional. As I prepared to share my thoughts I was struck again and again by the memory of my own transitions through parenting. I wrote the words I needed to hear as a young mother preparing to bring her second born into the world. If you are journeying on this road called motherhood I hope this may encourage your heart.

I am so privileged to be here tonight, sharing with you from my heart. It is indeed a blessing to be a part of welcoming the life of a child. Every baby holds such promise, and is a clear indication that the Lord is still working in the lives of ordinary people. He alone opens and closes the womb, determining through His perfect plan the arrival of every human. This child is no exception! Even now, as God places the final touches on their precious soul they have a destiny. 

What an amazing truth! 

And not a little scary. 

It is a mighty responsibility to bear children. It is an even greater one to raise them. The bible shows us through the immeasurable love of our Lord how parental love should look: patience, tenderness, discipleship, encouragement, instruction and lots of hugs, boo-boo kisses, and baths with bubbles. The worthy calling of motherhood is not for wimps! And who better knows that then a momma preparing to bring her second child into the world? Experience has opened her eyes. But even though the how-tos of infant-care are second nature there can still be whispers of self-doubt and fear that creep into our minds, causing us to wonder if we’re ever going to be able to effectively love another child. After all, there are days we wonder if we’re effectively loving the one we already have! 

I want to speak a word of encouragement over you.  

You are exactly the right mother for this job. Your fist child was not accidentally placed with you and your hubby and neither is this little one. Your passions, strengths and talents are needed to mold the next generation. There are lessons that only you can teach. Stories written in the life experiences of your family that only you can tell. You hold the exact balance of temperament and personality necessary to fully engage the mothering these two children require. But, while it is so helpful to be reminded of the unique mommy-print we each carry through our individual giftedness, the blessing of our calling would only be half full if we stopped at this point. 

2 Corinthians 4:7 says, “We have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.” 

Mommy, you are also exactly the right mother for this job when you are imperfect. When your struggles, insecurities, and mistakes cause a giant blinking arrow to point to the word Failure hanging above your head Jesus is there to show you how His redemption is not merely about an eternal heaven - it is about: a cranky mommy who snapped at breakfast; an overwhelmed momma who can’t seem to get it right; a scared mother who doesn’t understand how the ups and downs of her battle to overcome sin could ever be a part of a healthy child’s legacy. 

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1) because his grace is sufficient for you, and his power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Cor 12:9) 

Rest in the peace of God knowing that it isn’t just the good things you share that are part of God’s perfect plan. He is using your mess-ups and blunders, too. They help point your children to the only being who is absolutely perfect. And they restore to your soul the balance of knowing that you don’t have to be The Standard. You need Jesus just as much as your children do. You need never fear that truth, and allowing your children to see that is the most important thing you will ever show them. So be encouraged as you prepare to welcome your child. It isn’t just your strengths that are going to help them. It is the gift of grace in your weaknesses that will lead them to their Savior.

Friends

My children genuinely love one another. All of them.

For years I held my breath awaiting the dreaded sibling rivalry that was promised to me by grizzled veterans of the parenting wars. I watched, like a hawk, the children of other families and saw for myself the ways they picked, teased, argued and fought incessantly. My heart broke at the thought of such bitterness rearing up between my own children, especially as an only child who still has a sense of wonder at the mysteries held by siblings. I prayed fervently for the Lord to work in the hearts of my sons and daughters.

And I waited...

and waited...

and waited...

Until suddenly I realized I was already witnessing the beauty of my children's relationships filled with love and respect and I sighed with relief.

I'm certainly not foolish enough to believe that my children will never go through seasons of difficulty with one another. There are times when irritability, immaturity, and unrealistic expectations causes bickering. I can imagine that multiplied by problems bigger than whose turn it is to get the "good" truck in the latest installment of the make-as-much-noise-as-possible game. But that is a far cry from the splintered, anger driven actions of siblings with nothing but common parents holding them together.

So, how did we put ourselves on this course? I hesitate to give a set of rules that could mistakenly be thought of as a fail-safe because if there is anything at all the same about families it is that they are different. However, I do believe there are a few key principals my husband and I learned from the good and bad of our own families of origin.

Expect Affection. Children rise and fall to the level of expectation around them. When you expect them to love and cherish their younger sister, they will. Every time we bring a new baby home it is the same sense of wonderment, excitement, and joy. Children clamor to get their turn holding the baby. This natural awe easily quickens into love as the baby grows older and more sophisticated in its responses to the other kids. Sure, individual ages and genders may create a more seamless bond but there is something unique and necessary in the relationship between every person in your house. Treat it with respect and love. Our home's example: We underline again and again the importance of building one another up. To this end we do not allow coarse or crude joking that makes use of put downs or teasing.

Eavesdrop. Seriously. I am quite amazed at the number of parents who feel it is disrespectful to interfere in their children's affairs. Um, they're kids. You would never hesitate to teach the two-year old how to appropriately offer the new baby its pacifier so don't hesitate to teach the seven-year old how to appropriately offer their opinion. Children need to learn not just the motor skills of life but the emotional skills of life. Healthy relationships don't necessarily come naturally. This requires your input more than when it turns to blows. It must be proactive. Our home's example: I listen like crazy so that when a teaching moment occurs I can quickly take advantage of it.

Require Honest Apologies. When my husband and I argue it doesn't clear the air for one of us to simply throw our hands up and taunt, "Sorry!"If anything it simply adds fuel to a smoldering inferno. Honest, heartfelt apologies are the only things that get the job done. But how do you get them? We have found that doing two things helps tremendously. First, we work to set the offender in the offended's shoes and ask how they would feel if the tables were turned. Second, we teach our children from the beginning that a real apology is a specific one. Our children must clearly articulate what they are sorry for when they ask another child's forgiveness. Our home's example: Please forgive me for being mean when I tried to make the rules so you couldn't win. I was being selfish and it wasn't fair. I'm sorry that I hurt you.

Teach Reconciliation. Apologies are great and all, but if there is no reconciliation afterwards then you haven't won the battle. We all know that adult with a chip on his shoulder. It doesn't matter how real you are in your apology it won't do a bit a of good because he simply wants to be angry. When we are offended we wear our offense like a badge of honor showing the world that we've been hurt. Don't you dare try to pacify me. I've got my Wounded Ego button goin' on. We're simply children using bigger words. "Fine! Then I'll never play with you ever again as long as I live and even when I die I won't play with you! And you aren't coming to my birthday party!" But no bitterness. This won't get you far in healthy conflict resolution. We take gobs of time working through the honest apology so the wounded person feels heard and validated. But we also require the offended to choose grace and forgive. Holding a grudge is not an option. We often help our children come to a resolution by asking the offended what is their solution to the problem. Our home's example: I forgive you. I love you. I would like to play with the green truck by myself for a little bit but I would like to play with you after lunch.

Spend Time Together. Who are your good friends? Inevitably they are the people you spend or at least spent a great deal of time around. You don't become great friends with the person who lives across town but uses the same dry cleaners. Sure, you happen to bump into one another occasionally, but shared laundry just isn't enough. Of course I whole heartedly support friendships from outside the home. But I don't want those friendships to be a substitute for healthy relationships inside the home. And frankly, as children, I much prefer their closest friends be their brothers and sisters. After all, I know their parents and while they have some kooky ideas I can generally agree with their life paradigms. Also, I know if they get mean towards one of my babies I can expect honest apologies and healthy reconciliation. Our home's example: I homeschool. This provides the ideal environment to ensure that outside friendships remain secondary to inside ones.

Pray. Seek the Lord for wisdom in how exactly to manage your specific family's needs. He will provide it. (James 1:5)

Lessons in Scaleability

I think I might finally be figuring out something.

I have a large family and I live in one of the most expensive places in the nation (69% higher than the average American town).

I forget that it isn't entirely the norm for people to have eight children. This may appear obvious to you, but to me these little people just quietly moved into my house as they stole my heart. So, I continually forget that I live against the current. Oh, I don't forget it when I am out shopping and the sixteen millionth person interrupts me to ask if I know where children come from (how original). And I certainly don't forget it when I see all those teeny tiny parking spaces that are made for über-compact electric cars that are driven by eco-snobs who apparently deserve to park in the very front because they aren't destroying our environment the way I am even though my van gets WAY better resource mileage per capita and I am single handedly populating the next generation whose salaries will pay for the socialized entitlement ideals that many of these drivers vote for year after year. *inhale* Yep, I don't forget it then. But I do forget it when I find myself looking at all the amazing ideas and resources for managing, organizing and decorating our life.

Great recipe? Quadrupling it isn't usually a viable option without experimentation to tweak prep and cooking times.

Darling decore? Somehow that bugs and trucks themed room won't work with four beds housing both boys and girls in that 9X10 bedroom.

Chore system? It all works beautifully for two (author - "Now my children know exactly what I expect of them each day. I can keep track of goals and school projects as well as regular responsibilities.") Yeah *snort* does it come with a GPS tracking device because, honestly, I would just like to know where all my children are on some days - forget their long term personal goals.

I hear words like "purge" and read articles that talk about getting rid of your children's old clothes. My garage makes the Goodwill look empty, and unorganized and yet I still don't have room to do much more than turn around in it. Keeping clothing stored for two genders and eight children ages 14 to 7 mos just takes room. Period. There are reasons those mega-families have things like specialized laundry rooms with ginormous launder-o-mat style machines and circular clothing racks for closets.

Yep. Scaleability. It's my new word. Our family is like the middle child that looks a lot like the milkman. We aren't quite small enough to fit into the average, the normal, the accepted. And yet we aren't big enough to deserve the pity of outsiders and have some DIY network come remodel my house so my kids can each have a place to sit in our living room during movie night (it can get ugly!).

1400 sq. ft.
3 bedrooms
1 shower
2 dogs
2 rabbits
8 children
1 mother
1 father

With these statistics we've got to be learning something... I'm just not sure what at the moment.

The Trio

Three of my children (Mary, Josiah & Leah) surprised me with this little gem. Please note: Leah confirmed her version of the lyrics and gave me a theologically sound answer as to why Jesus was saving hearts from Satan's power rather than simply saving all of us.

Enjoy.

Photographer

Phoebe is a photographer in the making! She got ahold of Hannah's iPod Touch and took these amazing photos:

I deleted the 27 other identical ones so as not to overwhelm you with her exceptional eye for staging and proportion.

Cows and Throats

Phoebe walked up to me this morning and said:

Mama, my froat is broken.

You're throat is broken?

Yup. Listen... *she tried to cough to clear the gravelly sound from her voice but couldn't quite manage it*

Hmm, you must be sick.

Yeah, my voice is a cow.

You're voice is a cow?

Uh huh. Hear it? *she picked a note that has never been written on any musical score, ever, and proceeds to 'show' me how her voice is a cow by holding that singular sound for several seconds*

I see. I'm not entirely sure I understand how it is that your voice is a cow.

'Cause it is. *the answer that our idiosyncratic child defers to whenever her logic is questioned*

Phoebe walked away from our conversation leaving me a bit befuddled although greatly entertained. It wasn't until several moments later that I realized she was trying to say that her voice was hoarse.

Where Does She Get It?

Leah is our family's conundrum. She just doesn't fit the mold. And there is her penchant for imagining the most horrific events possible for her dolls. They break legs, arms, heads and feet. They are cripples for life, orphaned forever, sold into slavery, and often die. She usually responds with coolness towards their helpless cries for mercy. It's a hard knock life. C'est la vie. However, today was something unusually special. This is the conversation I overheard during her playtime with Mary.

Leah (in an unusually awesome fake accent): Hello. Do you have many children?

Mary (in an equally hilarious accent meant to underline her adult character): Why yes. I'm pregnant with my 20th.

Leah: Oh! How nice that you can have that many children. Has your uterus ruptured yet?

Mary: No. Not yet.

Leah: Well, I run the orphanage down the street. Do you know it?

Mary: Oh yes, I pass by there every day.

Leah: Perhaps you could think about giving your baby to the orphanage. We only have 1 child living there now.

Mary: Well, I'll think about it for sure. But I'm afraid you may kidnap my baby.

Leah: Oh! I would never do that! It's just that we don't have enough children at the orphanage and we need more. You have enough, don't you?

Mary: I could give you this one and then keep the next one.

Leah: Thank you. That would be perfect!

Not So Little People

It is so much fun watching my little people become, well, not so little. I am big enough to admit that I bought hook, line, and sinker into the myth that raising adolescents would be awful. It is a given in our society that teenagers must be incredibly difficult, stubborn, obnoxious beings that suck our will to live every day of their life. Apparently we are supposed to white-knuckle our way through these horrific years until they come out on the other side with maturity. Drugs are often needed. For the parents.

Now, I currently *only* have a thir-TEEN year old. However, as she nears her 14th birthday I continue to be amazed by her personality, sense of humor, and creativity. I love her! I enjoy talking with her and finding out what is on her mind. I think her take on life is super cute and very astute at times. I see childishness still lurking and sure, my patience grows thin at some of the more obvious lapses in judgement she makes. However, my patience grows occasionally thin with my other children for age-appropriate issues, too!

I think teenagers get a bad rap. They aren't eat-their-belly cute like babies. They aren't babble-misprounced-words cute like toddlers. They aren't entertain-you-with-wild-imagination-and-schemes cute like grade schoolers. They aren't even tender-your-heart-for-their-awkwardness cute like tweeners. Nope, these mini adults are just smaller, more immature versions of their final selves with all the personality perks and baggage that any other human being carries through life. Their idiosyncrasies are clear. Their strengths and weaknesses are becoming more and more plain. And the clock seems to be ticking towards that final transition into the "real world."

I remember so well the painful place of being stuck half way between little girl and all grown up. The jumble of emotions and new discoveries that both thrilled me and frightened me (when I was brave enough to admit it!). My conversation and questions ranged from the lofty to the downright absurd. Yes, I remember well the place in my own life that Hannah now inhabits in hers. And honestly, it sometimes feels like just yesterday. Then I watch my teen do something so very... teenish, and suddenly it feels a million years ago that I walked this same path. Funny how time works.

I don't know how my life is going to change as my parenting grows up with my children. Or more importantly how I am going to change. I have a lot of ideas, concepts, and parenting rhetoric fighting for breathing room in my head. But I hope that I remain humble towards the understanding that my assumptions about my children and my parenting could always be wrong.

Pleasantly so.

Dun 45

Phoebe asks this morning if she can watch Dun 45. She is quite insistent and excited about the prospect of this movie. It took me and Christopher a few moments to catch on to what she was saying.

Phoebe calls Darth Vader, Dun. It is the sound we use to sing Vader's theme and she picked up on it. With a 9 year old brother how could she not? She now calls the entire movie Dun. However, she knows that Caleb is only allowed to watch the original episodes. Our younger children are only allowed to watch 4 and 5. Phoebe decided she was now old enough to be included in the younger children and asked if she could watch Star Wars episode 4 or 5.

Dun 45.


Dun, Dun, Dun, Dun, Dun, Dun, Dun, Dun, Dun.

Speaking Love To Your Children

We all know that children need to hear how they are special and loved. I can't imagine running into a sentient parent who would argue otherwise. Yet through the hustle and bustle of our lives we somehow forget to do a quality job of verbally affirming their unique gifts and talents. And by affirming I do not simply mean the generic and ubiquitous, I love you. Sure, that's a great place to start, but let's maybe think a little bit harder. We love pizza, that cooking show, our favorite running shoes and the funny face our dog makes when caught licking their nether regions. Do we honestly think our children understand the immeasurable worth of their individuality and our consistent and unconditional favor upon them when we lump our sentiments together with a brand of beer? 

Assuming you love your children, I would like to pitch out a few ways you can more clearly share the intensity of your affection so there are no questions at the end of the day. After all, one of the worst things I can imagine is having my children question my abounding devotion to them.

1. I love you

But Trisha, you just said we needed to go beyond this simple phrase. Yes. Yes I did. However, our children do need to hear that we love them. Perhaps the better point to be made here is that we should stop loving everything else. When our love for our children is not on par with our "love" for that winning sports team we are much more accurate in communicating authentic affection.

2. I am proud of who you are as a person.

I believe one of the best kept secrets for healthy relationships with our children is the assurance that our pride in who they are is not the same as our pride in what they accomplish. Is it good and right to be proud of their test score, job promotion or successful project? Of course. Is it good that our children only hear those words in connection with that test score, job promotion or successful project? Absolutely not. Children naturally crave their parents' approval and when we attach it to their actions more than their existence we do a grave disservice to their identity. 

3. I really like you.

We are our children's first friends. What person does not like to know that their friends like them? Different from telling your child that you love them, which can come off dry and unimaginative if we only ever say it after their teeth are brushed but before we remind them to pee, speaking these 4 words conveys genuine regard. It helps your child grow in security since we associate liking with choice. And what child doesn't want to feel like their parents would choose them even if they were given another option?

4. You are beautiful/handsome.

The beauty (pun intended) of this sentiment is best seen when it is shared during particularly difficult seasons. When we dress up and take the time to groom ourselves it isn't shocking to hear someone compliment us. Our children are probably accustomed to hearing us, as well as others, praise their looks when attired in Sunday best. How often are they accustomed to hearing these tender words when you know they feel awkward with puberty, burdened with sickness or marked with pain? We tell them that true beauty comes from within, but then only ever compliment them on it when they are looking good. This appears somewhat counterproductive to me.

5. I miss you when we are apart.

My children long to be important to me. Because of the nature of parenting it is easy to fall into patterns that tend to communicate how burdensome they are and how much I can't wait to get away. Taking the night off for a date or movie with a friend shows in our countenance. Don't think your kids don't notice. They do. And it yells that time away is more enjoyable than time with them. Emotional health comes from the realization that it is appropriate for mom and dad to have time away, but with the security of knowing they are genuinely missed during those absences. Telling your child you missed them immediately upon your return home is great, but it can often be lost in the flurry of the moment. Speak these words to your child when you aren't going anywhere and watch their face immediately brighten.

6. I believe in you.

We all need to have someone backing us through this thing called life. Our children are no different. So, we should be our children's number one cheerleader. If we want to help shape adults who will be capable of taking initiative and standing for things not popular but right then begin saying this now.

Every child has a destiny. They reach it either by overcoming your silence or by depending upon your encouragement.

7. You are a joy to me.

To bring joy to another is probably one of the most rewarding experiences in life. That warm feeling when someone laughs at your joke, appreciates your hard work on their behalf, or gains tangible relief from your efforts is amazing. Give it regularly to your loved ones. The gratitude expressed here goes far beyond a mere Thank You. It speaks of a depth of regard wholly pleasing to you.

8. Please share with me.

The only way this one will work is if you say it and then listen. Listen. Don't multitask chores. Listen. Don't interrupt with time saving suggestions for the story. Listen. And then ask questions about what you heard because listening is not the same thing as sitting next to them and thinking about other stuff. Let me be frank, this one is hard. The million stories, pictures, dreams and "jokes" our children want to share with us can seem inexhaustible. And I am not suggesting that we stop what we are doing every time our child demands our attention. On the contrary that promotes a level of selfishness entirely counterproductive to what most of us are working towards in our parenting efforts! But children need to have time and space to communicate on their level. Little minds work faster than little mouths. How terribly painful to try and share a thought that simply won't. get. out. only to be told to hurry up, stop mumbling or ignored. Make regular moments in your schedule to sit quietly and ask your child to share their heart. They will. And then you will not only know their heart but have it.

9. You are exceptional at...

Find what it is and give them praise. Speak often of the things they are gifted in so they begin to see their own ability through your eyes. Openly share of your regard for their talents to others while they are present. Embarrass them with your compliments. No one on earth will ever take the job of providing unconditional encouragement the way you can as their parent. More than a spouse, friend, boss or therapist you hold the power to esteem their abilities in ways that matter. We hold authority in our children's lives. They look up to us and naturally accept what we say as truth. When we boldly proclaim their strengths (even the strength to recognize a weakness) we secure in them a lifeline to the things that make them special in this world. 

10. I am sorry. Please forgive me.

I make mistakes. I mess up. I say things that are wrong. I demand humility from my children and call them to account when they do these things with me or with their siblings. I must be willing to show humility in return or I risk creating a bitter relationship with my adult children. There is nothing more powerful to a child than a parent who is willing to admit when they did it wrong. Kids inherently value justice and they easily recognize what is fair and what is not. Sometimes the lesson on fairness is that it isn't always fair. However, this is never the place for that lesson to be learned. I lose credibility and I hurt my children immensely when I am unwilling to seek their forgiveness. Contrary to the belief that we undermine our authority when we apologize the truth is that we clearly establish the pattern for mutual respect necessary for a healthy lifelong relationship. I don't want to just play at intimacy with my growing children. 

My prayer is that we all grow in seeing the privilege of parenting our gifts from God so that we can experience the satisfying joy of watching healthy, stable people enter into a lifetime of valuable contribution to this world.